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Sleep sucks

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My fear o f dying in my sleep has returned with a vengeance. I first felt it when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2012. I got it under control for a few years when I accepted my problem and started taking Lexapro which is an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication. It was a side effect of my clinical trial chemotherapy medication, all of us on the trial developed panic attacks. But recently it's gotten bad again. I'm so scared of falling asleep that my body fights it. I stay up most of the night and fall asleep at random times. I end up waking up in a major panic. It's a terrible feeling. And my acid reflux has gotten so bad that I end up throwing up. I don't even want to eat anymore because I hate nausea and vomiting. My nurses were worried about me at my last infusion cuz they felt I was disoriented from Ativan but to be honest I was just so fucking tired. I hadn't slept very much in days but going to my chemo infusions make me feel safe because I'm around medi
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Struggling

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I've been having a really tough time this week. One of my good friends died and I'm struggling. Our other friend died a couple of months ago so losing another friend in such a short time has affected me. All I've been doing is crying. I'm so dehydrated. I can't even eat which is probably a good thing since I've gained weight recently. Plus, my sister died in December. I thought I could handle all this death around me but I'm starting to think that maybe I can't but the thing is...I have no choice. Death is going to continue to happen because I've entered this new world where death happens all the time. I have Stage 4 fucking cancer and yes...my friends are going to die and it's not fucking fair.  I've decided I'm going to her funeral. I need to say goodbye. I miss her and my other friend so much already. Plus, I feel guilty. Why are they gone and I'm still here? We have the same disease. Why do some of us live longer? I don't ge
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Dating with Cancer

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So, I deleted my last post about abuse because I got really fucking scared. The fear never goes away but anyway..... Since my breakup I tried to start dating but to be honest it's not working out. I just don't think anyone wants to date anyone with Stage 4 cancer. I can't guarantee that I will live a long time and I can't have any children. I'm at an age where some people want children and I just can't give them biological children. I lost the ability to carry a child at 25 years old and lost the ability to have biological children at 31 when I started treatment for cancer. I actually took the initiative once to ask someone out and got totally rejected. It wasn't a good feeling. I don't know how guys do it. It's a real mind fuck. For now I'm just going to focus on myself and Cruz. We've had so much bad luck recently that we can't take anymore rejection. I think that we're going to take a trip tomorrow because we need some kind of
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April Cancerversary and Philadelphia

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Sometime this morning: I'm sitting here in the infusion center at the moment getting my chemo drugs and also starting to feel really sleepy from the Benadryl. Being on Benadryl is such a weird feeling because I'm so sleepy but I try to fight it until I can no longer keep my eyes open. I think it's because I'm still afraid to fall asleep and not wake up. It's an irrational thought, I know. Plus, it's April...my Cancerversary month. 6 years ago in the month of April I found out I had Metastatic breast cancer. I found the tumor on April 6, went to the doctor on April 9, got an ultrasound and mammogram April 10, biopsy on April 11, told I had HER2+ breast cancer on April 12, PET scan and bone scan April 26, and found out it had already spread to my liver on April 27. The only date I can't remember is the day I had the breast MRI to get an accurate size of the tumor. Turns out I had 3 tumors in my right breast measuring 7cm, 3cm and 1cm. I also had 2 lesions on
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Changes

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Sorry I have been MIA for so long. There have been so many changes in my life since the last post. After being with my new oncologist for a few months, I actually really like her. I still miss UCSF but things are going well with my oncologist other than the fact that I didn't have health insurance for two months so I have basically missed chemo for 2 months. Why did I lose my health insurance? Well...it all started in October (kind of). I came home one day and Cruz's father had moved out without a word or explanation. I guess he doesn't have to tell me because I know why and if you know me, then you know why too but to leave just like that was a shit move. Since then, Cruz and I have barely seen him and I'm not sure if we ever will at this point. Won't go into details. Needless to say, Cruz and I are on our own. I ended up finding a job in my hometown and moved back home to save money but I kept my old job as per diem just in case things didn't work out. Well,
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New Oncologist

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I had my fist appointment with my new oncologist today and it was kind of sad. I miss my oncologist at UCSF. She has been with me on this journey for 5 fucking years and it's hard to say goodbye. I hope that one day we can meet again cuz she was awesome. She got me where I am today. I know that it's just luck though. Not everyone responds to treatment so well like I have and I admit that I feel guilty about that. So many friends in my support groups have died and I'm still here. We really need a fucking cure. My appointment went smoothly for the most part. My new oncologist tried to prescribe decadron which is a steroid but I promptly nixed that. I DO NOT want to get on steroids unless absolutely necessary. I don't like the way steroids make me feel or the fact that they make me fat. It's sounds stupid, I know. But right now I feel relatively well and to me steroids are a last resort. I do not believe I need them at this time. I've been doing fine without them
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My Life Now

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It's been a lazy day today. Other than going to Costco for groceries and gas I've just been watching movies. I managed to sneak in working out for 40 minutes which was difficult but so worth it because I had intended to go on a hike today but opted to sleep in with the love of my life even though he did a bad job on Mother's Day. Why do so many guys need so much prompting for special occasions? I even had to remind Cruz yesterday that it was Mother's Day. I wasn't looking for much...I at least wanted a home made card but instead I got myself a red velvet cupcake from Sift and ate it for breakfast today. I know...not healthy, but it was for Mother's Day...I mean, I almost died giving birth for God's sake. And now I have Stage 4 cancer and am still working...I deserve a cupcake. And Cruz decided to walk to Starbucks to get me a white mocha, my favorite.  But anyway, I watched the movie Me Before You earlier today and I think I cried for half the movie. The
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